5/4/2018 0 Comments True LIstening
Luckily, it was about this time that I stumbled across the concept of mindfulness—being present in the moment. Truly paying attention to all the things around you. Noticing the details. Really seeing the sights and hearing the sounds. And—listening with all your focus. I’ve made it a point of pride to work on my listening skills, on being truly present and caring about the person in front of me at that moment. Some people have said this is a gift, that not many people truly care enough about what other people say in order to listen. Yet I believe that it is the simplest, most powerful gift that we can give the people in our lives. And it is one that every single person can cultivate, practice, and prioritize in their lives. Studies have shown that trusting, close relationships can be the tipping point between mental health and mental illness. Individuals who have strong relationships with at least one other friend or family member are happier, healthier, more productive, and live longer. This goes for children as well as the elderly, and everyone in between. Yet too often, the stigma of mental illness suffocates and silences individuals. Those who feel isolated, guilty, ashamed, and outcast are the very ones who need to be supported by trusting relationships with friends, teachers, or family. I became a teacher not knowing just how powerful my position could be. I had the opportunity every day to influence 150+ students. I wanted to teach them English and Psychology, but I also wanted to teach them how to be good people, how to help one another, and how to listen. And just like multiplying fractions or doubling a recipe, every good skill needs to be taught. You can enhance your listening skills to improve relationships with all those in your life, but especially those who might be suffering from some form of mental illness. Whether it’s test anxiety or clinical OCD; general depression or suicidal ideas; isolation or schizophrenia…everyone needs someone to listen to them and show them that they matter to the world. Building relationships—with anyone—begins with feeling valued. Mindfulness tells us that the only moment that really matters is the present moment. Active listening centers you in the conversation. Too often, people “listen” in order to share their ideas. Their listening is actually waiting for their turn to talk, without taking the time to truly hear what another person is saying. As a teacher, I’ve found that a few seconds of truly focused active listening sets a stable foundation for relationships with students. Active listening includes three simple things:
Brandon Stanton is the author and creator of the wildly popular blog The Humans of New York. He has found his success from interviewing individuals on the streets of the most unique city in America. He has said that interviewing is “a very intense interest in someone’s life. They’re not used to that.” Individuals with mental illnesses are surrounded by negative stigma. People openly talk about their physical health. Yet when it comes to mental health issues, people get uncomfortable. They start making assumptions. They may blame the victim for a moral shortcoming. They may avoid them or the conversation. This only worsens the problem. By normalizing mental illness, we give a voice to the voiceless. Much like The Humans of New York, we can take that intense interest in them as a person, making them feel like they belong. In my psychology class I always stressed that we are individuals first, and that our mental state does not define us. I am an individual with depression and anxiety, but I am still an individual. I am a mom, a teacher, a wife, a friend, and a good listener. I am not just depressed. I am not just anxious. But I too need someone to listen to my hopes and fears, just like everyone else. By normalizing mental illness and talking about it as if we would the common cold or a broken leg, we can begin to build powerful relationships. We can knock down the barriers where the stigmatized can’t share their stories, and the others are afraid to hear them. Relationships are the vehicle with which mental illness can become mental health. In middle school I had a friend who was incredibly unpredictable. She was an emotional rollercoaster, was obsessed with self-harm, and opened my eyes to mental illness for the first time. In my 6th grade naiveté I wanted to save her. She swallowed me into her turbulent world, filling my free time with her worries, ruminations, and obsessions. Even when I wasn’t with her I was afraid for her. All the adults knew, yet nothing stopped. I continued to let her take over my life with her illness. Finally, I had to distance myself. I tried changing the subject, inviting other friends in, making excuses to avoid her. I didn’t know how to set up a healthy boundary. To this day, I regret so much about how that friendship progressed and ultimately ended. I wanted to save her, yet needed to save myself from her codependency. Maybe some of you have experienced the same. This friendship left me hesitant to trust and open up to someone with a mental illness. I was afraid of being taken advantage of, monopolized, obsessed. I truly believe that listening to and understanding another human being is the most important gift we can give one another. Yet that doesn’t come without boundaries. If someone is struggling, listen to them. Urge them to get help. Support their efforts, their small successes. But set a boundary between their heart and yours. Empathetic people are often the best listeners, but also have a hard time knowing where their emotions end and someone else’s begin. You may be able to help save someone from the silence of stigma, but that does not mean you have to be their entire life’s salvation. And truly, they don’t want you to be that. They want normal relationships--and normal relationships are both give and take. Share your own hopes and fears with them. Share your own stories, questions, philosophies, joys, and sorrows. Someone with depression might not be as excited for you as you want them to be, but you’ll know they still care about you. Someone with anxiety may not want to go to the basketball game or rock concert with you, but they still want to spend time with you other ways. People with mental illness are still people. They are the same people they were before you found out they had a mental illness. And their relationships are just as fulfilling and important as everyone else’s. They need a sense of love and belonging just like you do. And to build those relationships, the solid foundation to all mental health, you need to do the same things you do for all your relationships: Return their text message. Say hi in the hallway, calling them by name. Look them in the eye when you talk to them. Compliment them. Ask real questions. But most importantly, truly listen to them. ~Peace, The Comfortable Classroom
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AuthorA midwest teacher in love with creating awesome opportunities for students to think, communicate, and produce. https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Store/The-Comfortable-Classroom
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